Skip to main content

tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  May 18, 2015 9:32am-10:04am PDT

9:32 am
captioning sponsored by ♪ thank you very much! (audience chanting larry) oh nice! on a monday! welcome to the "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. spring is here, which means it's graduation time. but for one georgia principal, things went sideways into randomly racist-town this weekend. it all went nutso after nancy gordeuk prematurely ended thet( graduation ceremony without letting the valedictorian make his speech. she brought him up to speak, but people had already started to get up and take pictures. so she just started yelling, as one does.
9:33 am
>> i'm thinking yawl owe this young man an apology, especially that goober that was coming through with his little thing. that was so rude! where are you, you little coward? come on back here and let's talk. y'all are the rudest people i've ever seen in my life.çóñrht >> larry: yeah, get out of here, goobers! y'all are being goobers. so rude! all right, principal. so far, i'm with you. we're in rude goober solidarity right now. who else needed a talking to? >> look who's leaving? all the black people! (audience reacts) >> larry: oh, my god. >> larry: you said that like you thought we'd be on your side. i expected to hear an "am i right" at the end of that sentence. "look who's leaving. all the black people. am i right?" well, yeah, after you say some
9:34 am
(bleep) like that, they're going to leave. okay. look. maybe she was frustrated. i mean, she was just trying to stick up for a kid who was supposed to make his speech. and those goobers were making it almost impossible. i mean, goobers gotta goob, am i right? (cheers and applause) okay. accidental racist principal, walk me through what happened. >> when i looked left, the light, as you know, lights in the auditorium, all i saw were black people getting up and leaving. >> larry: okay, stop right there. so it was the lights. that's what confused you? so mayb people -- they were back-lit people. okay. just trying to give you the benefit of the doubt because what you said sounded a little racist. >> i didn't know "black people" was a racist term.
9:35 am
>> larry: um, black people isn't a racist term -- that's correct. you know what's a racist term? "black people!" >> she apologized over the weekend saying the devil came out of her mouth in a moment of frustration. >> larry: the devil? everybody knows the devil hasn't been back in georgia ever since he lost that fiddling competition. (music from "devil went down to georgia") >> larry: did it come up? i don't know if the fiddling part came up. sounded like all drums. oh, hell whatever. (laughter) let's have a little side chat here. now that you said the devil did it you've admitted that you said something really bad. and because you're from the south, i know you really believe in the devil. and you believe the devil is responsible for some evil
9:36 am
(bleep). like racism. that's all. now go back to teaching the babies. (applause) that's it. that's all you have to say. titsit's the devil. enough about this accidental racist principal in georgia. let's move on to something completely different, like a story about an intentionally racist teacher in georgia. >> dozens attended dublin's board of education meeting monday anticipating disciplinary action against a teacher who reportedly told her students her personal opinion about president barack obama. >> larry: okay, if you're playing at home, we're talking about an intolerant teacher in georgia who told her students her personal views on the president. what do you think she told these kids about obama? write down your answers now. (laughter) okay, concern parent, what did this teacher say to your kid in class? >> if your parents voted for obama, they're evil, and i don't
9:37 am
see how your parents could vote for someone that's a muslim. >> larry: evil muslim! i almost went with that. i had "huge fan of late-term abortions." but if you had "evil muslims," you win. see our web site for your prize details. man, i used to be better at this. anyway, so these annoyed parents call for a parent-teacher conference and this is what happens. >> jimmy scott says he immediately requested a parent-teacher conference which he says made things more difficult. scott says in that meeting they never discussed the comments made in the class, but instead showed him what he calls propaganda from the internet. >> larry: that's right, the parents went to meet with the teacher to complain about her spreading propaganda about obama to her kids, and instead of listening to them, she showed them internet propaganda about obama. you got to give her credit for being consistent.
9:38 am
that is what we want from our educators, is it not? so what golden video nugget of her crazy uncle's facebook page did she make these parents watch? >> she showed it to me and said see, obama's a baby killer. he, um, aborts babies at nine months old as they coming through the birth canal. >> larry: i had that earlier! (cheers and applause) does it still count? (cheers and applause) *6 the judges are saying it does not still count. the audience says it does. damn. but obviously this dad is being a bit hyperbolic. the "obama is a baby killer" thing can't possibly be a direct quote. >> and that's a direct quote. >> larry: don't get snippy with me, man. i'm on your side. hey, georgia educators, can i talk to you for a sec?
9:39 am
if people wanted their kids to learn coded racism, false truths about the president and be talked down to, they would home school them. (cheers and applause) right? and leave them watching fox news all day. they have their kids in a georgia public school to learn actual facts. you know, like the civil war should really be called the war of northern aggression. so teach them what's right. and leave your half-baked, unsubstantiated fact-pinions where they belong. thanksgiving dinner. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
9:40 am
there's a bazillion ways to top your kids' rice krispies. what's yours? ♪ a dash of fruit ♪ ♪ in their favorite color. ♪ ♪ a bunch of pineapple ♪ ♪ 'cause hey - it's summer! ♪ ♪ a smidgen of honey ♪ ♪ in the shape of a flower. ♪ ♪ a handful of almonds ♪ ♪ for strong superpowers. ♪ ♪ bananas and berries ♪ ♪ 'cause the letter b rocks. ♪ ♪ a little bit of yogurt? ♪ ♪ sure! why not? ♪ ♪ colorful marshmallows ♪ ♪ add a bite of fun. ♪ ♪ apple slices ♪ ♪ with their buddy, cinnamon. ♪ ♪ plop pomegranate ♪ ♪ for a polka dot pattern ♪ ♪ a swirl of chocolate. ♪ ♪ look! the rings of saturn! ♪ the fun never stops! how will your kids top their snap, crackle and pop? hahahaha... what's up with your car? pretty sure it's possessed. and out of warranty. i'm going to cost you a fortune at the dealership, cheryl! well, at midas our experts will tell you what needs fixing now and what can wait. and they don't laugh at people. i'm sorry cheryl. no i'm not! i am not sorry at all!!
9:41 am
get the midas touch maintenance package with oil change, tire rotation and more. use your midas credit card and get a rebate of $20. go to midas.com to make an appointment. trust the midas touch. that's a good-looking pile of dirt. yeah. it's nature's care. what's in it? lot's of rich, moist organic things. can i touch it? yeah, get in there.
9:42 am
it feels really good. nature's care organic garden soil. that's some good dirt.
9:43 am
(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back! all right. so at the beginning of the show, we covered a lot of the racist crap people have been saying. so let's move on. now let's cover the racist crap people have been texting. and by" people ," i mean cops in california. >> in san francisco, racist and homophobic texts between 14 officers are now throwing 3,000 criminal cases into question. >> larry: look, i don't know how many times i have to say this, but listen up, racists. you don't put it in writing! that's the first thing you learn at racist school! you're supposed to keep it bubbling below the surface and then just use whatever influence you have in the world to create discriminatory policies and systems.
9:44 am
(applause) how many times does it say this! for more racism advice, please buy my book "how to do the racism: a guidebook," my number one best-selling, self-help guide. available now at all waldenbooks locations. all right. because that's still a thing. right? so these guess messed up. how bad were these text messages? >> "do you celebrate kwanza at your school," one officer texted. reply, "yeah, we burn the cross on the field, then we celebrate whitemas." >> in another text, the n word is used to describe black women. "they should be spayed." response, "i saw one an hour ago with four kids." >> larry: i'd like to formally apologize to the principal who observed that black people were leaving and i implied that her comments were racist.
9:45 am
these (bleep)s are racist. okay? (cheers and applause) please accept my apologies. and by the way, four is not that many kids! you're mad about a black woman with four children, and you have nothing to say about a white family on tv that's trying to break the vaginal canal world speed record. nothin'! (cheers and applause) look, let's play two racist texts and a lie. i'm going to show you three racist texts. two are real, and one is a lie. try to figure out which is which. okay, we've got cross burning lowers blood pressure -- that's a weird one. then all n-word's must (bleep)-ing hang. then (bleep)ing n word. any guesses? ha, just kidding! those are all real. what a fun game! (applause) seriously though -- hey, if you're tired of
9:46 am
games listen to. this. >> the district attorney is investigating three thousand cases in which the officers were involved cases that could be tainted by perceived racial bias. >> larry: perceived racial bias? i think when you talk about spaying black women you're past perceived. even the ferguson cops are, like, "whoa!" but one of the cops came forward and mouth-texted an apology. >> if i offended anybody, i'm sorry. i'm truly, truly sorry. however -- >> larry: no however! no however! >> however, it's banter amongst friends. >> larry: banter amongst friends? are you guys watching the news at all? do you know what year it is?
9:47 am
i suspect you do because you're texting. i mean, if you were sending tell grams about this, may i'd give you a pass. "how about them (bleep)-ing apes? stop." "i think we should burn a cross. stop." it would be wrong, but you're obviously stuck in a different time. and what makes it more troubling -- this happened in san francisco, home of rice-a-roni and other tolerant progressive stuff. (laughter) so when ugly incidents like these happen in tolerance town, are we really that surprised when it happens anywhere else? we'll be right back. ♪ (cheers an i'm going to share a photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. that's so interesting honey because i'm going to share a photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. l'eggo my eggo l'eggo my eggo (answering machine) hey! leave a message. hi, i know you're there, 'cause i can see you. i'm calling you to tell you to l'eggo my eggo!
9:48 am
anncr: some things are too delicious to share. golden crispy, warm and fluffy eggo waffles. l'eggo my eggo. sometimes, the passage from boy to man flows directly through the oil aisle at the local autozone. and with this change of oil rick's engine wasn't the only thing that was running a bit cooler. ♪ ♪ get in the zone. autozone. ♪ it's called the zone and we'll help get you there. ♪ get in the zone. autozone. ♪ just one lemon left. lemon skittles are my favorite. they're my favorite. let's settle it the usual way!
9:49 am
settle it! let's settle it the usual way! wooooo! woowee! settle the rainbow! taste the rainbow! progressive insurance here and i'm a box who thrives on the unexpected. ha-ha! shall we dine? [ chuckle ] you wouldn't expect an insurance company to show you their rates and their competitors' rates but that's precisely what we do. going up! nope, coming down. and if you switch to progressive today you could save an average of over 500 bucks. stop it. so call me today at the number below. or is it above? dismount! oh, and he sticks the landing! [ male announcer ] digiorno? or delivery? ♪ ♪ digiorno? or delivery? taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, fresh-baked pizza, is your oven. thankfully, it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
9:50 am
stay still, like a statue! just like a statue. look here! when your day goes on and on you need 48 hour odor protection that goes on clear for no white marks. new secret outlast clear gel. ♪ ♪ ♪ break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers.
9:51 am
(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel, "the nightly show" contributor mike yard, comedienne rachel feinstein, and film and tv
9:52 am
producer will packer. he's killing it right now! okay, guys. there is so much bad behavior going on in america. let's get to it. i want to say the thing the principal did the other day. it was at the graduation ceremony. let's play it right quick. >> look who's leaving... all the black people. >> larry: look who's leaving, all the black people. mike, what was she trying to say right there? >> i don't know what kind of rationalization that was. it's almost like black people can't do anything. everything we do is stereotypical. we like chicken that's bad. we like watermelon, hey, they like the watermelon! they leave when you dismiss
9:53 am
them, look at these neros just do what you tell them to do. the whites haven't even arrived! >> and where are the blacks? they're not even here yet! >> larry: yeah, that i would understand. what was she trying to do? >> first of all, i live in atlanta and this is in georgia. there's another incident she saw that happened in georgia. i feel like you're being too hard on your white people okay. >> larry: really? they're not all bad larry. >> larry: i'm not saying they're all bad, but the bad ones are pretty bad. >> here's the thing, if you look, it was the black people leaving okay? >> larry: black people left en masse when she said that. >> here's the point, if you were a black student or parent and you had to be subjected to this crazy racist principal all year
9:54 am
and finally you graduate, you would get the hell out of there too! that's my point! that's all i'm saying! a little bit of truth! (cheers and applause) >> larry: i'm so confused! she's crazy racist or not? >> i'm not sure! i don't know how that's racist. >> she said the devil came out of her mouth, something about africa she took it to another place. >> always playing the devil, too. i think it's okay when you murder your kids to blame the devil but not for casual everyday racism. you know what i mean? you can't feel like the mexicans, oh, sorry, satan got my tongue again! >> the devil is always a good fall-back position. >> if all else fails go to god or the devil. something good, thank you jesus. something bad, damn devil. >> larry: you think the devil is the problem here in.
9:55 am
>> absolutely! i wondered if she had a speech planned, a series of racist remarks. i didn't see her say anything inspiring -- you people have your whole lives ahead you have! >> larry: she said, you people! >> i like how she said the devil popped out of my mouth. he just showed up. he got there as soon as you said that no, the devil's been hanging out -- whenever you need me i'm ready! applause snriewz then youready! (applause) >> larry: then you had this other teacher. she's saying parents are evil if they voted for obama. i don't think the devil would stoop this low. could we call this teacher
9:56 am
racist? >> yeah, she played the muslim card, the parents are evil card, the not christian -- i guess muslim is kind of the same -- but she threw it all in the same box and then said your parents. it's indefensible on her level. >> larry: absolutely. (applause) >> but again as a georgian, though, i feel the need to defend my white friends. >> larry: what's going on here! >> gun-totein', god-lovin' obama-votein' white people in georgia, there are! >> what class did she teach? geometry? >> how does that come up in middle school? don't forget the spring formal a bake sale to raise funds for the football teem and oh, if your parents voted for obama they're evil! (laughter) >> larry: i never liked the
9:57 am
intimation that the muslim thing is a bad thing by default. that's the part i don't like at all, calling obama a muslim and that's bad because we all agree muslim is bad. (bleep). >> it's almost like it's dirty. >> larry: that's true. mumedz ismuslim is the word that you're just supposed to accept that's a bad thing. i don't accept it! i don't care! (cheers and applause) >> that's right. ey say it like he was a felon. >> larry: maybe he converted in prison. >> you can always say moz-lem, they're not all inconclusive they're racist.
9:58 am
>> i think someone called me a monster gobbler once. that is kind of hilarious. >> larry: tid the teacher hear. >> i don't know. >> larry: mike, did you get called anything? >> teachers never said anything. i had a teacher snatch me up one time but i did give his wife the finger, so i guess -- (laughter) well, he taught at a private school so they were very loose with the hands in catholic school -- they were like pow! don't do that! it wasn't like public school. >> larry: this one teach was going to hit my little broth around my mom was like look bitch don't you ever touch my son or you're going to have to deal with me and it never happened again. >> my parents would teach me if a teacher beat me in the virgin
9:59 am
islands. my parents were so strict if a neighbor had to discipline me i would get disciplined because of the embarrassment that the neighbor had to discipline me. that's how it was. >> larry: we'll be back! (cheers and applause) here in new york city! go to the thenightlyshow.com for tickets! before earning enough cash back from bank of america to buy a new gym bag. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time and 2% back at the grocery store. even before he got 3% back on gas. kenny used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to join the wednesday night league. because he loves to play hoops. not jump through them. that's the excitement of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you.
10:00 am
( groan ) i'm starving. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guy's i'm back! new snack bites from... ♪hot pockets♪
10:01 am
my husband, tre ponder was killed june 28, 2005 in afghanistan. my husband's death was the hardest thing i've ever faced. the special operations warrior foundation stepped in to help. now you can help, too. purchase new cherry 5-hour energy now through july 31st and a portion of each sale benefits special operations warrior foundation to help families of fallen heroes. i will always miss my dad, but thanks to special operations warrior foundation i will never feel alone. ♪
10:02 am
(cheers and applause) >> larry: that's all the time we have for tonight. i thank our panelists, mike yard, rachel feinstein and will packer. follow us on twitter and "like" us on facebook to keep track of everything we're going online and wish me luck because me and the staff are going to kick the "daily show"'s ass in a football game! i'm coming for you jon!
10:03 am
(cheers and applause) ♪ ♪
left
right